(0:00)The 'You' Problem: Language and Respect
Euroba culture is very weird. It's a very top down culture. You do not challenge authority. You do not, it is not done. And authority is parent. Let me give you an example. You don't call them by the singular. You call them by the plural. So you don't say you to them. You never even when you're speaking English, right? You avoid saying you are the problem or you did this or you did that. And that kind of neuters you in a way, right? You can never say they lie. So our kids all the time say, "Mommy, you lied." No, no, no, you can't. that that is a that is an offense punishable by a lot of pain. Yeah. Right. So if an argument is going on for example, I say, "Well, that's not what you said." Mhm. And they go, "Oh, are you calling me a liar? That's the end of it." Unfiltered.
(0:45)The Tension in the Studio
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of PM Unfiltered. My name is Esther Griffin and I'm here with Tundday. Say your last name. No, I'm not doing this with you. I'm not doing this with you. And then we have Nah, stop. And then we have the person that we're here. No, we got to Yeah. What's my last name? You can't be doing this every time. What's my last name? Yes. UCPF. He's actually upset because of a previous episode. You know, I watched that episode and I'm As I'm thinking about it, I'm just I'm grieved. Guys, go back to watch the last episode. I believe it was called I think it was the last. What was it called? Are you mad? Is that what they do? You have an episode called Are You Mad? I think that's what it's called. Producer. I think it's called Are You Mad? You can't. No, it's not possible. Ah anyway. Um yeah, but yeah, there's a preview there. We we'll put it in the show notes um so you guys can now that's out the way. Yeah, don't skip over that. What is my name? Yeah, my n I give her that. You've grown. There's progress. I'm not impressed. Yeah, it's not like but there's there's progress. I'm not impressed. There's progress. You're not Let me just be clear. You can't impress me today after watching that last episode. There's nothing there's nothing you say today that is going to go down well. Why are you upset with me? I'm very upset at the Anyway, this is how parents triggered me. This is how parents behave, guys. I'm sorry. What? This is how parents behave. Can we Can we first and foremost at least introduce PF? This is how the children behave. No respect. Let's show him. Let's honor him. You know, um this is this is this is perfect. Thank you. Right. This is perfect. Thank you, sir. You're actually going to say this is how the parents behave after you have been you are the one that triggered me. You know, triggering is the person that's responsible for their own emotions should handle their own emotions. And that's that's see guys, this episode we're talking about parents and parents can't handle when you tell them what they've taught you to tell them. They'll still tell the truth and then when you tell them the truth, they want to strangle you. How are you? Especially the Nigerian parents. How are you telling I'm assuming you're a parent, right? I am. So, how are you telling your parents to treat? Very disrespectfully, I'm sure. No, no, no, no, no. Just the way you spoke to me just now. No, no, no, no, no, no. PF is the lead pastor of the one of the fastest growing churches, but parents 2000. And look at what you just spoke to me, but he's also old enough to be my father. And that's the point. I would say spiritual father. M. Mhm. Okay. So, you know, there's a little familiarity there a little bit, you know. Is that why? Okay. Okay. Are you saying like because you're familiar with PF as a spiritual father, you're a little like irresponsible with disrespectful a little bit. Who said who that was? Was very disrespectful. Just adding it on top. Exactly. It felt disrespectful. You hear all of this, y'all. This is added on top on on top on top. That's not what I said. I didn't say anything like that. Even the tone wasn't even off. We love PF. So, I mean I do and I already introduced him. I said the man of the hour, Pastor Femayo, the PF and PF unfiltered. The PF and PF person that is leading the fastest growing church in Dallas. Yes, sir. You thought this was a good guy. You're mother's child. Oh man. No, guys. But yeah, we're here to talk about parents and um parent and children relationships. And it's interesting cuz I have a story. I love my father.
(4:30)Matching the Energy of Parents
Which one? The one in heaven. No, the earthly one. The one that his last name is I was trying to figure out like y'all. My maiden last name is Akish. Uno last name. Both of my parents are from Ono State. Anyways, oh specifically on town. Yeah. Where's I'm sorry. Where's Ono? Ono is in Nigeria. Ono. Undo. Oh, sorry. KTV like Wait, wait, hold on. I feel like she's not pronouncing her. Is she pronouncing surprisingly? So, but at least you got one thing, right? Anyways, to that point, right, my dad is a funny guy, right? And when I was growing up, my dad will always be like, you know, you can ask me for whatever you need. I'm here for you. You know, I'll support you. all the things. One day I asked him for money like I normally do, right? And instead of him to give me the amount that he promised to give me, he gave me half and he expected me to be happy with that. Are you listening? No, I am. I am. Okay. In the same breath, he asks me to bring home good grace, right? I bring home the same thing that he gives me half. I can't believe I can't believe that was where you are going with that story. He's upset with me. Like I don't understand. I'm doing to you what you have taught me. You're matching his energy. I'm matching. Oh my god. Children. Children of nowadays. No, don't group me. I'm not part of them. Children of nowadays, they won't kill somebody.
(6:05)Was PF Raised Strictly?
Anyways, Anyways, the parent dynamic is is interesting. I think for you PF the question that we have is what were your parents like when you were growing up? I I I think my parents were very typical. Well, my mother was very typical of the generation. She was very um caring, very nurturing but also very firm, very strict. Uh my father was a lot more liberal but also strict in a liberal way. So for example in in our culture um from from where I come from the children always said sir to their father. Mhm. My father would not let us say sir. My mother would try and enforce it. My father would undermine it. Right. So we called him daddy. We didn't say sir. Right. My um my mother insisted that we prostrate to greet my father. My father would give you a knock on your head if you try to prostrate to greet him. But you prostrated to greet everybody. Yeah. Right. Um, so there are little things like that, you know, but he wants you guys to give like a hug or something. No, just just greet him, you know, good morning, good evening. But if you said good evening, sir, to my father, you'd have a problem. He'd say good evening, daddy. Good morning, daddy. Right. Did you ever explain why for him was it just was it was just not his thing, you know. But my mother was very big on those things, you know. Um, my mother was very big on all the traditions and all the, you know, all the cultural expressions of of respect. M um but they were very nice folks, very generous, very kind. Um I wouldn't describe them as being mean or or anything like that, you know. They were just um regular parents. My father was a civil servant. My mother was a trader, a businesswoman. Mhm. Um so yeah, it was it was an interesting upbringing in many ways, but also very ordinary, you know, for the time in in in many ways. We didn't have any trauma from our parents. Thank God. They were just they just raised us basically the best they knew her. And um Yeah. When you say trauma, are you saying like?
(8:10)The Tag-Team Discipline System
No. Well, my Oh, my my father. Is that me? So, so this this is the way it worked out. Discipline. Discipline. They smacking you. Um my my you know, you hear stories of how if your father is beating you, right? flogging you whatever you run to your mother. Yeah. And your mother will protect you. If you ran to my mother, right? You were getting more. There's one story I remember where my younger brother and this is typical of my parents. They were tag team. They tag team us. There was no you know that thing that you do where you you go tell your mother something and you tell your father something else. You No, my parents were when it came to how they dealt with us, they were very united, in sync. They were always in sync. If my father slaps you on your left cheek and you turn the right one to my mother, she would slap you on it. So there was no there was no escape from justice in my house. None. Yeah. One time my younger brother went out and he came back really late and he thought, okay, you know what? So as he was coming home, there were guests leaving the house. And usually, you know, if you're in trouble, the guests will plead for you, right? So he thought, okay, he could see the guests leave. He thought this was the best time to to come in. As he was coming, my father saw him. I just rushed him, right? So he tried to escape towards my mother. My mother blocked his escape. The guests were busy saying, "Leave him. Leave him. Leave him." When my mother and my father both descended on him together at the same time, it was just it was something to behold. Were you were you laughing at him or Of course I was laughing at him. It's what I had been through, you know, but but you know those things were everybody experienced it, right? And yes, it had some, you know, negative impact on our self-esteem, our self-confidence and all of those things, you know, down the line. But at the time, we didn't realize the impact it would have. And primarily also because everybody was going through some version of that, you know what I mean? Yeah. Um, I would would I close to my parents? I think as I got older, we we started to have a relationship in and I think a lot
(10:15)When Do Parents Become Friends?
of parents struggle with this. Many parents don't know when to transition from being in charge of their children's lives to counselors and friends. So they want to remain in charge of your life, right? All the days of your life. Yeah. And it creates a lot of friction. Mhm. Fortunately for me, right, I never got to find out whether my parents could transition because I moved away, right? Okay. So, I got married and they were still a part of our lives cuz we're in the same country. Mhm. And shortly after I got married, we moved to to Vienna. Mhm. And once you're not living with them, everything changes. Right. To some parents will try and still enforce their will Mhm. on you even from far. Mhm. But then it's up to you how you how you manage how you navigate it's difficult for them but if you're
(11:10)Why You Can't Say 'You Lied'
there particularly Euroba culture Euroba culture is very weird right it's a very top down culture right you do not challenge authority you do not it is not done and authority is parent right let give me an example you don't call them by the singular you call them by the plural so you don't say you to them you never even when you're speaking English Right? You avoid saying you are the problem or you did this or you did that and that kind of neuters you in a way. Right? You can never say they lie. Right? So, and now our kids all the time say, "Mommy, you lied." No, no, no. You can't. That that is that is an offense punishable by a lot of pain. Right. So, if an argument is going on, for example, I say, "Well, that's not what you said." And they go, "Oh, are you calling me a liar?" That's the end of it. That's the end of it. that oh are you calling me a liar? Because you cannot by accident call your father or your mother a liar. You're dead. No, you're dead. They would they will kill you then the neighborhood people come and kill you, you know. Um so so parents growing up had absolute control over your life, over every aspect of it. They they and they they they didn't have to explain anything to you, right? You woke up in the morning, you're going to a different school. Nobody's explaining to you why, right? you know, um, you wake up in the morning, you are catching a flight, nobody's telling you why, and you can't cough, right? You can't even complain. You complain, it's met with a slap. Hey, will you shut up? Why are you talking? You know, you know that kind of thing. But as we grew older, the relationship changed. You know, my parents became friends, you know. Um, initially it was rough. I I remember one incident when my my daughter was born and she was ill and my father and mother you know were not happy with um how we were conducting the medical process with the doctors and you know my mother laced into me one day and I went off on her. H when I got home, my father was I mean the way he spoke to me that day and I said to him that you think you love this child more than I love the child. You know the guy said say who cares what you think? Say who who cares my friend? Will you get out of my I I love my friend back and immediately went and spoke to the
(13:40)The 'Who Cares What You Think' Reality
doctor and guess who the doctor was listening to? them. Oh really? Are you the doctor mad? Really? Yes. As long as you are in their house, you are their child. Wow. Yes. It can never happen here. Here's a totally different ball game. You know, when I had my first son Mhm. my mother and my my mother and my mother-in-law both came and they stayed at the same time. They're both very pleasant people. They get along with people. They're
(14:10)Boundaries for New Parents
like they're good helpers like and so they join they tag team. And um they wanted to do like the baby bath thing. And I was like absolutely not. Like you guys are a little bit too rough. Like if you guys want to do it then you need to follow my guidelines. And they almost wanted to push back. And you know what I said? I said I am your child. You already had the opportunity to do that to me. Now this is my child. You must give me the opportunity to do how it is that I see fit. Man, if you said that if you said that to my mother or to my wife's mother, uh, just die there. Just die. Just pack your bag. Just just pack your bags. Leave the child and go because they will kill you and they will take that child with them and nothing is. Wow. You know, both of them were both of my mother-in-law and my mother were both kind of like this girl is a very unserious babe, but they know I know how to wreak havoc. They know I will shout. S do all of us will fight today. Do you think p like piggy back on what you said you think it's a reason could be okay they're thinking after everything they've done for for us cuz that's a typical thing a lot of parents tend to say so in their mind like I've sacrificed so much for you that you don't not that you don't have an opinion but I guess I I don't know that they thought it that deeply at that or at the time I I think it is reflex culture this is how they were raised right this is how they raised their kids, right? The after everything I've done for you comes in to when they want something from you and then you say no, something personal, right? Over your child. It's not after everything I've done for you. It's a I said this is the way to go. How dare you challenge me? Which is the way it's always been from the bed you are born. Yeah. Even when it's your child, that's interest until you are no longer within Yeah. slapping distance. Mhm. You know what I'm saying? Then it changes, right? When you when you get older and it then becomes, oh, I want to do something. I want you to do something for me. And then you are like, no, I'm not going to do it. And then they're like, oh, after everything I've done for you, right? Or they want something, they want to go a certain way and you are like, no, after everything I've done for you gets thrown at you. Fortunately for me, my parents never said after everything I've done for you, it never came up, you know. And I think I I learned very quickly how to deal with them, how to disagree with them, right? What does that what would that look like for your for your time? Cuz now I'm thinking about how like I I think it depends based on culture. I think it depends on the environment, too. I think the environment shapes your parenting. Yeah. Because a lot of other um immigrants that came to the US and had their children here, we all were kind of raised in a similar type of mindset. Be strong, be outspoken, don't let anybody step on you. And because we were raised that way, we kind of now operate that way. But we don't but we weren't raised that way to weren't raised to to turn that on the parents. That was supposed to be outward, right? With the parents, you're supposed to keep your eyes down and do as you're told, right? I think that one of the things that helped me right like I said I learned how to deal with them but they also were my parents with the benefit of hindsight now were very wise right once I got married they removed their tentacles other than that incident with my daughter right they generally didn't get in you know they they didn't um they didn't flex you know um as the culture give them room to flex, you know. Um, so yeah, I I I didn't really have too much trouble with that generally. Mhm. Obviously, like your your wife passed away. He's not here now, but if you could how do you think she How do you think she saw what was the perception of your parents? Yeah. Okay. So, so AK has and I want to say has a child because now she is seeing your parents. She's also a child necessarily to them. So I think a okay there was a so I think AK's dynamic with her parents is a little different from mine. AK's with her parents and I think it's also a cultural thing on her side of the the the Niger. Right. You're you allowed to speak to your parents in a way that my culture you don't. Right. You're allowed to be outspoken with your parents a way that you're not in my culture. She's IU. She's from the eastern part of Nigeria. Then bit more vocal. Yeah. a bit more assertive, a bit more irreverent, you know. Um, in my culture, you don't even look at an adult in the eye, you know. E people is not like that. They look you in the eye in the chest and tell you I look the eye chest. Yeah, it's a little different there, you know. And so she so she she is very restrained, right? She's not she's not an excessive person. You have to really push her to the wall for her to explode. Mhm. And the one time I think my mom almost pushed her to the war. So when we had our daughter and she had been sick and I was going off to Vienna, there was a sendoff party that um some folks had for us and we wanted to take our daughter to the party with us. And my mother was like no. An is like I'm taking my daughter to the party. And my mother is like absolutely not. An is like huh? What are you talking about? it's very good to do and I'm like a please just leave child is like no I'm taking my daughter to this party my mother also with the benefit of handside they're very wise didn't get into a calls her mother in enugu and says come and see what your daughter your children no she didn't say your daughter come and see what your people are doing here this child the the weather it was raining you know she just made a case so's mother calls AK onto the phone and says AK you can do what you like but understand that your husband is getting on the flight a flight tomorrow and it's you and that woman that you're going to live together so use your tongue and count your tito because me I am here enugu there's nothing going to do for you handed the daughter handed the daughter over to my mother and entered the car and and and and went to our party and came back and the girl was fine you know that the level of reactionary wisdom that everyone applied there was good cuz I know I know I know I know some beautiful people that it does not matter what their mother says they're going to say we going to die here but see the problem but see the lack of wisdom there is this right I was off on this missionary dream she's going to live with my parents right she would have guaranteed a contentious relationship guaranteed right right and she's not a contentious person Right. Now, some people are contentious. Some people don't mind conflict, right? And that can be problematic, right? What happened in that scenario was everybody applied wisdom. My mother applied wisdom by not pushing AK to the wall, right? And letting her mother speak to her. Her mother applied wisdom by not by talking with wisdom. She applied wisdom by hand. And I applied wisdom by just taking that flight. Hey, you know. Um I I think one of the challenges we have as as um children or whatever is drawing the line between honor, right? Right. What does it mean to honor your parents? Yeah. And for Christians, it's a bit of a challenge, particularly if you come from a culture like mine where um parents are not asking um for honor, they're asking for obedience, right? It's hard for us sometimes to distinguish between honoring and obedience. Mhm. Right. To honor somebody does not mean you obey the person. That's good. Right. A lot of people don't know that. A lot of people assume that to honor you means that I obey you. That's not true. Obedience is not a requisite a prerequisite for honor. Honor is that I treat you with re with reverence. Reverend. I treat you with respect. I esteem you, right? I I handle you with with with delicate delicately, right? I don't have to obey you. Right? And that's a problem because sometimes parents ask kids to do stuff that a are not wise at all and not safe, right? And not culturally appropriate. The child is in a different culture, right? You know, there are all sorts of things that a parent can ask you to do, right? And people are caught between should I honor my father? Should I honor you know um my mother? But what they're asking you to do even sometimes what they're asking you to do is contrary to the word of God. Can we talk about the money money sending money real quick? I wanted I wanted to kind of like give a particle. So, let's let's do a segment sponsored by Bar Avenue revenue called um which like what does honor look like in this example and what does obedience look like? So, you have a a dad Mhm. that wasn't present in the child's life. Yeah. It was here and there. A child grows up maybe he's about to go to college probably and the child the dad comes back and he wants to kind of give advice on where the child should go and the dad is feeling very strongly that like okay you shouldn't go abroad quotequote yeah you should spend two years here and then whenever you're done two years here then you can go abroad and the child's like no I want to go abroad now because what whatever reason so what would honor look like and what would obedience look like? Honor is I've heard what you said. I've given it a lot of thought. I've prayed over it. But this is what I feel led to do. Honor is expressing yourself respectfully. Right. Clearly. Honor is listening Mhm. to what they have to say, right? And responding. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's honor. So you can respect them without agreeing to what they tell you to do if it's not benefit. Absolutely. At a certain point, you know what's better for you than they do. Mhm. Because they're looking at your life through lenses that may not be relevant or appropriate. And if the parent now feels like you're being the fine line of they interpreting your no as disrespectful or not. So they're interpreting your no as disobedient. Disobedience. Okay. Right. And at a certain level, disobedience is not disrespect. Mhm. Okay. Right. Okay. If my my if my 5-year-old daughter disobys me, that's disrespectful. Mhm. But my 25 yearear-old daughter says, "No, daddy, I'm not going to go and do what you're saying." That's not disrespectful, right? That is she has a difference of opinion. Now we are in a situation where she's old enough. She has agency over her life. She has to make her own choices. Right. It's like when a parent tells you you can't marry this person, right? In my mind, I'm like, are you the one that's going to live with the person, right? So, what works for you may not work for your child. Express your opinion, express your concerns with the person, prayerfully do so, and the child will decide. But what age does then does that then start then? How does par what age do at the age at which your parents are letting you make certain decisions? You can't tell me I'm paying my rent for example, I'm working and paying my rent, right? I'm responsible for all my financial obligations. Yeah. Right. I'm responsible enough to carry on this financial obligations without you, but I'm not responsible enough to decide other things. No, absolutely not. If you feel if you trust me enough to go out and deal with people, then you have to trust that I have the judgment to make other decisions. And if you don't trust that I have the judgment to make other decisions, then that's on you. Where does where does emotional blackmail come here? Because what if in that scenario the the parent says, okay, well, I'm not coming to that wedding. Well, so so so again, oh, I'm not going to support like you can take care of yourself certain extent, but I know you lowkey kind of need me a little bit and I'm telling all your aunties, they're not coming to that wedding. M well then you have to decide like an adult. Yeah. When the world turns his back on you, right? Has God turned his back on you? Mhm. Even if the world is your parents, even if the world is your parents, right? That's tough. See, see, it's tough. And that is why parents do it cuz they understand the emotional weight that they have, right? And they will use it, right? And and I know as a parent that whatever it is I'm asking my child to do, I really believe that is what is in the best interest of the child. I don't mean to hurt the child in any way, shape or form. All parents are not the same though. 99% of parents don't mean evil. I agree that I I don't like most parents don't like me don't intend to. No, they don't. They they they there may be some selfish Wait, wait, wait. There may be some selfish let me not say 99% most parents there may be some selfish benefit to a choice but they believe somewhere in their mind that that choice is not a enimical to you beneficial to you in some way directly or indirectly they can even go as far as saying well if I'm happy then you are happy right right but to a a real parent a good parent will not see something that is bad for you but it's Good for them. I ask you to do it. Very few. Why do you disagree with that? Or you Why do you Why do you Because of this sending money thing or give me your give me the money from your first job and you're like give me the money from your first job is cultural. It's tradition. It's a recognition and and that's two different things from what we're talking about. It's cultural in Euroba culture. Right. And I I think to the in the east as well, I don't know in the north when you on your first job Mhm. Right? You honor your parents by giving them some of your income or all of your first paycheck. Again, it is not out of wickedness. So, is that honor? Yeah. I want to ask that's a way of honoring them. Yes. That's a way of honoring them. Giving Okay. It's a way of honoring imposed imposed by society by the society of the time because then they'll say, "Oh, God said you should honor your mother and your father." Yeah. So, this is what I believe. If a parent has to tell you and force you to do it, the honor is gone, right? That's what I believe, right? My kids didn't do it, right? I never ask them for it, right? But when it's my birthday, I demand that they if you're going to buy me a present, give me a good present. Don't give me nonsense. Yeah. Don't do that. Give me a proc. Yes. Well, they don't have money yet, but they have in Jesus name. Amen. But but you saying, so I don't tell them what to do with their paycheck. I don't even ask them. M well I asked them so how much are they going to pay you but I don't get into how much is your paycheck and all of that with them right but culturally my mother asked me one time that you know your first paycheck this is she told me this is what the culture says it's up to me to follow the culture not follow the culture that's it so culture is not biblical Bible says honor your father and your mother the way we Bible says honor God with the first fruits of your income so what they are asking for right is actually technically according to scripture what you give to God. So it's like a first fruit. It's like a first fruit, right? But in the culture, the first fruit when God was not the factor in like in that sense, the parents got the first fruit. Right. Right. So make of that what you will, but it wasn't a it wasn't wickedness. It was culture. That's what he's done. Right. You send your children, you know, you invest in their education and all that. And they honored you. They recognize your investment in their life by giving. We do that for God, right? Right. By giving them, you know, um um um the first fruit when it comes to okay, I've given you the first fruits or I didn't give you the first fruit, but now you're demanding money I don't have. Mhm. Right. I think that's problematic. Yeah. Right. And I think every individual has a responsibility to do what they think is in their best interest. Right. One time my father needed money for some things and I didn't have the money to give him and I was I felt very bad because my father had been very generous to me for a long time beyond what was called for. Mhm. And I felt bad that I couldn't help him when he needed help. And I went and I prayed and the Lord said Femy I will help your father. If I wanted you to help him I would have given you the resources to help him. Right? His life is in my hands. I have a relationship with him. I am responsible for him not you and that freed me. So I have a question on that P when you say resources what if it's a scenario where like I don't have any excess but I can let's say for example take away from something that maybe not necessarily a need but it's useful and take that and then cut back on that to give to my my dad. Is that like or was it just that you didn't have any money at all? I didn't have anything other than I had enough money to pay and keep light on in my house, keep food on my table for my children. Okay. Right. There was nohere to cut. Okay. Cuz I've heard some parents say, "I know you don't have any excess." No, there was there was nowhere to cut. There was barely enough to even make ends meet to make ends meet. You understand? Now, if there was one um um hobby that I could cut off, I would do it in a heartbeat. If there was one, you know, going out to dinner that I could cut off, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But there was nothing. What if it was like I'm sure someone might relate to this. What if you had like 1K in your emergency savings account? I had nothing. But if that was the context, if I Yeah. If I had 1k in my emergency savings account and my father needed Yeah. needed it. Absolutely. I'll give it to him. Okay. And because my father was the kind of person that if he had 1k, right, he would give it to me. What if it's not a need, right? Cuz you have those parents where it's like you your child in a let's just use the scenario that we're talking about, right? Um you have a child in America working hard, all the things they were they're coming from another place, their parents are in another country. They're now sending money back home and they have an let's say emergency fund. And a mom's like, "Oh, I need money to give to this family member." Mhm. And it's like, I don't have the money to give you. And she's like, well, I know that you have this money sitting here. I know that this money that you have here or whatever. Or let's say you're saving up for something. She's like, well, I know that you have the money that you're saving up for. And then she demands that up for you or he demands that of you. And you say no. Well, that is your prerogative. That's your prerogative, right? To make a financial decision, right? That is in your best interest. M the question then becomes this money they're asking you for right what do they need it for right now you and I when we think of needs we think of utilities and all those kind of expenses food gas food gas and all those things but sometimes need goes beyond those things it goes to your standing in the community your standing in the family right sometimes they ask you for money that to you is frivolous but to them is existential because their standing in the family will be diminished if they are unable to meet that obligation. Their standing in the community will be severely diminished if they unable to meet that obligation. Right? So wait, but then it's like why is that my burden to carry? That's that's your choice. That's what you're saying. That's your easiest. So for me personally, personally I feel like it is my responsibility to protect my father from being dishonored by others or being disrespected by others. That includes that means that it is my responsibility to protect his standing in my society. So that's that's like then keeping up with the Joneses. Call it what you like. Call it what you like. Everybody has to make decision. But I just want everybody to be clear. Yeah. Right. To honor and obey are two different things. Yeah. How we define honor. Everybody has a different definition of honor. My own definition of honor is this. I don't disrespect my father and I don't put him in a position or allow him to be in a position where other people would disrespect him. If it is within my power to do something about I can't control everything. Yeah. But if it is within my power, if my father is walking around without shoes, for example, I know he will be disrespected, right? I know the kind of society he lives in, he'll be spoken to anyhow, right? But I've got $5,000 I'm saving right for a new house. Mhm. That for me. Right. Right. I'll buy him the shoes. No. Yeah. Yeah. It's a no-brainer. Yeah. Yeah. But some be like he has other pairs of shoes. Why why why can't he just sit at home? That that honestly I hear you because for me like if for example like if my mom needed cuz my dad left when I was really young. So which is a different conversation now. Like what does honor look like for a parent that abandoned their child? But that's a different entire honor looks like honor. So honor looks like honor because you don't we don't repay people as they have done, right? Yeah. The Bible the Bible says you don't repay evil with evil. You repay evil with good. And honor is honor. So if they have not been a father, right, doesn't mean you shouldn't be a son. I I agree with the the the the rule. No, it's it's objective. It's factual. Yeah, it's just that like how does it play out? Cuz I don't I'm not going to repay evil with evil or abandonment abandonment. I don't know. But I feel like I can repay abandonment for now with neutrality. Why? I figure out neutrality sometimes is evil. It it could be I let me put a PF. Call it what you call it. For me, call it what you want to call it for everyone has to make a decision. And right now with that airspace, man, pops like I ain't mad, but I'm still figuring some of things. But actually want to ask a I wanted you guys to like I want to do a segment on that segment about Bar Avenue revenue. I wanted to call story time. So I want you guys to um I want you guys to use me as your case study. Mhm. Right. And this is not even as extreme as like moms need something, you know, and I have a credit I go I have like 2K my emergency savings account. Like I can even use my credit card for I'm not worried about that. Right. But what I struggle with is I have a beautiful wife and for her her parents are still both they need abandon her right and on my side it's just my mom when I sometime I don't I don't call as as frequently as they feel like I should look kind of respect but sometimes it's interpreted as if you care and you love and you whatever you would call more often. Mhm. And when I give reasons like sometime I just say things like I forgot or I was busy it's it it feels like it's worse like how can you I have forgotten. So, so it's a love language thing, right? And you have to have a conversation, right, with somebody as to how certain things are perceived. Mhm. Right. Okay. Everybody was raised in a different home. Yeah. My parents called when my mom and dad, my mom was alive, she called every single day. Like she can call you twice a day. My father would call every other day. Mhm. Right. But they were constantly calling. On my wife's side, they called once a month, once in two weeks. And my father-in-law before he passed away, great guy, his conversation was very brief. He didn't believe phone was for Justin, right? Tell me, are you alive? How are you? Is everything okay? Everything is fine, daddy. Okay, great. Au for me, bye. That's it. That's it. Right. Every family is different. Mhm. Some families there, my wife and her and her siblings, they they have this WhatsApp group that is constantly going wasn't their WhatsApp just the children known parent there they constantly each other you know ah that's your picture that's your post I'm just like oh my god it's too much dramatic you know that's their family so you need to have a convers somebody and say, "Hey, dad, mom, whatever you call them, I love you guys, but this is not how I show love." And the fact that I don't show love the way you guys show love does not mean I don't love you. What if that's not enough? Wait. Okay. So, so, so then the question was, okay, so how do you show love? Wait, can we ask him how did the conversation go when you had that conversation? I was very calm. M um cuz I I I unlike I respect my elders. I was raised in a way where you know no matter what it I was raised in in a way where like you know they deserve respect and sometimes even when they demand it. Okay. So I I I picked up the phone. I was I I was emotionally compromised. Spoke to my wife wonderful woman. She encouraged me. I say it is well. Mhm. And I kind of try to in the polite way like uh calling is not my thing as much. It's not necessarily but but in other ways I've shown you all that like I you know I love and I care but calling is not something I necessarily do. I even try to balance the skills. I said even for my own mother but what did they say back is what we want to it was that was the response. What they said was we got what they said was if you really cared about don't you call other people. If you really cared, you would call then give us then then then so so in that in that scenario right you also have to very firmly say I hear you right but I don't agree with you. Mhm. Yeah. Now what I would do is my own side of or my own way of showing love right I will ramp it up so that nobody can say I didn't show love right and this happens my own way you would my own way I would ramp it up right I would ramp it up yeah but there's also this thing that we have to talk about in all fairness what is the point of speaking French to people who only speak German right if you love them and this is their love language, right? You have to meet them in the middle just as they have to meet you in the middle. Yeah. Just even they don't. Even if they don't right now, if they don't, then you can call them out and say, "Hey, I've told you guys my love language is you people, you know, sending me gifts. Since I've married your daughter, you haven't sent me shishi." I'm not saying you don't love me. I understand that you are in a tough place right now. Mhm. You know, you can you can you can have a respectful conversation. Yeah. Right. But I don't think there's any utility in conversations that are not honest. I absolutely agree. Right. So, you can have that conversation, but you also have to realize that the fact that it is not your love language does not mean that you are absolved from demonstrating love like that. I agree. No, it makes sense. I mean, and a lot of times it's very respectful. The issue is just that meeting in the middle when ideally both you meet in the middle. When one party doesn't meet in the middle then resentment starts to kind of build. So so that is where firmness comes in where you so so I call I call I don't call you want to make a fuss about it. We're going to have a conversation. Yeah. I'm not going to let you make a fuss about it. I'm going to be like but you know we had this conversation about love languages and you said I I need to call you to show you that you I love you. I told you what I needed from you to show me that you love me. I haven't gotten any of it and now you are jacking me up, right? Cuz I missed one call. It's hard. I know. Like because because their natural understandable reaction would be Abba when did this new age nonsense start to come about then then then then now you in a cultural trap. I don't and I don't have any escape for you. Okay. I don't have any I do appreciate it though cuz it's it's Yeah, I appreciate it. Or is I I I want to ask what did you think that you did differently from how your like from the way that your parents raised you guys? Because they raised you all well. What were some of the things that you took and didn't take as you were raising your kids? I I tried to figure out why they did all the things they did and I realized that a lot of their reasons no longer mattered in the world that we live in. Right? So for example um the way respect was defined in certain expressions you know the prostrating the kneeling the not looking people in the eye right I I I I don't live in that world so I don't need to impose that on my children that's number one number two um um the questions right because for my parents and their generation a child asking them questions was considered disrespectful. It was considered you are questioning their intelligence. But I realized that if you don't answer a child's questions, you damage the child's self-confidence and self-esteem. Right? When a child asks you why and you say, "Shut up." Hey, you're telling the child you don't matter and there's nothing you don't have sense, right? And that does something to the child. It does. So I always when my kids ask me why, I I don't just say just because. I I I tell them why. It's makes things a little bit more difficult, but you tell them why. Sorry. Have you ever heard why has a long tail on two branches? On two branches. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or or curiosity killed the cat. Ah, you I said that yesterday. Your kids, he's so inquisitive. Are you listening to No, but no, no, but he actually did something though. He actually did something that I was like, you are so curious. Don't go and put yourself in trouble. But but insecurity is what creates inventions. Hm. People create things out of curiosity. How does this work? How would it be? Right. What makes this like this? But it is is Okay, this is the best example, right? I um I have a new brewing kettle. It comes with a spot and these like interior little uh rubber things, right? I was very clear. Do not touch these rubber things that I've put on the table. I know, very technical. I mean, spigot. I like what? Anyways, I walked away from where I was. I forgot that the thing was there. went and he was poking out of it. So, so he even used it to do something. I said, "How did you know where she was going with that?" So, so because because that's what kids do, right? So, so what you do, what you would do, right, Esther, is is is say to him, you can look at it. Mhm. If you have any questions, I'll answer it. Right. But just don't break anything. Right. So, he knows he can look, he can examine. That is where intellect and intelligence is formed. Right? When you're curious about things, you learn about those things. When you kill curiosity, the brain starts to atrophy. Yeah. Right. A child's brain is growing. When we stifle the curiosity, we stifle the growth of the child's brain. And then we send them to school and they're memorizing 1* 1, 2, 2 * 2, 4, and we think they're learning. They're not learning anything. They're just reciting stuff. They they've not developed analytical skills, just memory. Yeah. Right. But my parents taught me to be generous. They taught me to be kind, right? My father taught me to to have intellectual curiosity. I passed those on to my kids. Right? My kids are generous. My kids are kind. My kids have empathy. Right? All these things I learned from my parents. Yeah. My parents were not the kind of parents that, you know, treated people badly. Mhm. Right. It doesn't matter what their position was, they always In fact, I remember one time my father um his his chauffeur came to pick me up from school. Mhm. And he came late. So I told him off. Why did your parent Why did your dad have a chauffeur? Cuz he got that money. He he he worked in the government and there was a driver. We call them drivers. We called. So, so anyway, the chauffeur cuz we're in America now. We make it sound like he was just a driver. A driver, right? So, the driver the chauffeur came to pick me up from school and he came late. The driver came to pick up from school and he came late and I listened to him. This I was I was not 10 years old when I went at this driver old guy. Mhm. He was a a sergeant in the army at the time. So he goes home and starts to apologize to my mom that he's so sorry that he picked me up late and I was so upset you know that he's really sorry you know and he mentioned how upset I was which was intentional that was his own way of reporting me my mother could have killed me that day that killed me killed me she beat when you say beat cuz the literatures to me. And what that did was teach me that no matter a person's position, right, this guy came to pick me up from school, he's worth respect. Yeah. What do you think? What about now? Do you think that um parents should spank their kids? I think because they use scriptures. I think you know what scripture I want to say, please. And can you elaborate on what that scripture means? So, so the rod the rod is more than just a stick. Okay. It's authority. It's it's it's everything that you are, right? It's your authority. Yeah. Bringing your authority into a conversation with your child prevents the child from being spot. You a stick is not always the answer. Mhm. To every child. And and this is the thing a lot of parents don't realize. When you get upset with your child and you spank your child out of upset, out of that emotional place, you're teaching that child how to deal with their emotions. You're saying to that child, when you get upset, Mhm. this is how to deal with it. But isn't that what your mom did with you? Yes. Okay. But it taught you something. Wait, no. Let me Wait. My daughter, she's 20. Wow. Dam is she's watching now? Yeah. 2001. She's 25. 25. She was turned 25 in January. When Dam was about was in kindergarten, he called us one day and said D was hitting all the kids. She said, "Don't do that. Don't do that. Stop that. Stop that." That's a no. No. No. No. No. And and and it was a problem. It was a problem. So I'm like, "Where did you get this habit from?" Yeah. Then we realize that when we get upset Mhm. Mhm. When she does something and upsets us, don't do that. Don't do that. So when she's upset, he does the same thing. She does exactly what she saw us doing, but that she was doing to case she was not supposed to do that. Mhm. And it was a problem. So I went back and I thought about that like, you know, how did she associate emotional discomfort with striking? And that that's what I do. That's what we do. Mhm. So we had to step back and say, "Okay, so what do we do?" Right? I believe that if a child, if talking doesn't work, it tap here and there could work. Never tap when you're hungry, when you're angry. Never tap when you are emotionally shot. Calm down and say to your child, you're going to get punished cuz you broke this rule. Mhm. and and I told you this is what is going to happen and in a very cold very calm dispassionate way issue the judgment and that child learns that okay I transgressed so I'm being disciplined as opposed to you are upset so that is being disciplined they're two different things right and those are the things that we don't pay attention to with our kids right our parents didn't pay attention to When they upset and they shouting and screaming, you are going to feel it, right? But then you carry that on and we when we're upset, we want to make somebody feel it. Mhm. But the kids are not like that. The kids get upset. They get very upset and they don't they're not inclined to get violent. It's people who grew up with violence that are inclined to resort to violence when they get upset. And many of us are like that. And we carry out that violence on our children in some in some degree. But that's how we were raised. So would you say it was a bad thing? It was done badly. The intention was discipline, but it was not done well. Okay. It was not done well. Mhm. My father when my father got angry, God help you. I went to school. When I get angry, God help you. Okay. Well, this is obviously PF where we kind of dissect the issues quote unquote of life, but since around Christ, the church and our world. So, PF, just to close, um, what is one thing that you're genuinely grateful for your parents for? And to keep it balanced, what is one boundary that you absolutely had to set? I'm I'm grateful that my parents taught me the value of having a relationship with your parents, right? My my dad quickly transitioned from being my instructor to my counselor. Yeah. You know, and I'm really grateful for that. I never had to, you know, buck up to him. He never put me in that position. He quickly let me make my decisions. And I think it started from the woman I chose to marry. I think when they saw AK, okay, this boy has sense, you know, we can trust him with his life. Exactly. Oh, we can trust how with his life. Exactly. You know, um when it comes to boundaries, honestly, my parents never other than that time when my daughter was sick, they never tried to cross. There was never a boundary that I needed to set for them, you know. So, why didn't that situation change the trajectory of like the relationship when they, you know, imposed their own will for whatever was being done with your daughter? It was culturally not out of the out of place for them to do that. Yeah. You know, to dismiss my opinion. And you know, um um um and you guys weren't offended. You just was like, "Okay, we're offended. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? Carry carry offense. You know, you get offended, you got you go to bed." Who who would I have told that they did that? I said, "How dare them?" Everybody would have been like, "Ah, okay. Thank God that that's all they did." It could have been worse. It could have been worse. They could have taken the child and gone to the village with the child and there's nothing you can do. So culturally, you know, some things were not wild. Now they sound wild, right? But then it was like, is that all that happened? Mhm. You know, anyway, we we got a we had a comment from someone that said that like they really appreciate PF filtered because of the balanced approach you take. And if you are someone here that's listening, watching, enjoying, interested in what you're listening to, please subscribe. Yeah, please share too with someone that you feel like will I say this so so earnestly and so emphatically, you know, it sounds so sincere. No, because you must guys be share this thing. Even imagine that comment, guys. Comment. Yeah, comment. Let's engage, right? Cuz I a lot of the comments I see on the tube, that's what they call it on the tube. The guy on the tube. No, seriously. It's like really people are like, "Man, I'm not a podcast person. I don't like to just listen to a bunch of people with a mic give opinions." But they're like, "Whoa, this is actually very interesting. This is very I saw one comment. One guy said, "It's as if they pay you people to just come and open your mouth and pretend as if you have sense." Cuz sometimes, you know, that's kind of I wanted I wanted to type there. You know I have everything is correct but the payment part or the person that said that ah man they should put some tariff on podcasting. Oh jeez. I wanted to say they should put on tariff. They put a tariff on oxygen for you. So but that's that's a light type stuff we do. It's a family out here. But again uh uh to plug the next episode at a backlog topic is you know uh God's chosen ones don't go to church. Mhm. And I know I know as a pastor there's conflict of interest in your response, but I trust that you're interest cuz you're a pastor now. I don't want you saying God's chosen to go to church, right? It doesn't make sense. You know what I mean? I think some people just like to just open their mouth and talk talk rubbish with a mic. I would like to comment on that person's comments like like like like No, they'll say that they're in the streets now. Don't miss. Right. Right. People actually there a lot of people that actually split on there by the way Pier, but we'll talk about it. I would like Okay, we'll talk about it. Let me just let me hold because I have I have an opinion that has nothing to do with pastoring. Say one opinion real quick and let's clarify it. How about reading your Bible? Like read your Bible. Yeah. Yeah. Production. Cut it. Okay. Game of Thrones it. Anyways, um comment, like, subscribe. We'll see you guys next time. All right. Bye. Unfiltered.