(0:00)The habit that ruins intimacy
If you know what your wife is going to feel about something, it should affect the choices you make. If you know what your husband is going to feel about something, should affect the choices you make. If it is not equal, it's a problem, right? It's a problem. So why would you marry somebody who does not esteem your feelings over and above or somebody you cannot [music] unfiltered? Twea. What do you mean? You We're gonna We're going to say hello and Yeah, I'm so confused. I said I had a story. Oh, okay. My bad. Hello and welcome to
(0:40)Meet the team
another episode of PF Unfutiled. Uh my name is Tund Controller. I am joined by uh a a very esteemed man called uh Pastor Fei. Can we not the PF PF on the man that has a heart for Christ? Hallelujah. that that has taught me about true disciplehip. The man that is what exactly do you want? What exactly do you want? How much because you must want something. I'll tell you. I'll tell you after. I I knew there was a cat somewhere. All right. I'm coming. I'm coming. I knew there was a cat somewhere. The man that Oh, there's more. No, there's more. The man that is the shepherd of one of the fastest still one of the fastest growing churches in in Dallas. Yep. New Covenant House. I can finally second that. You can finally second. And uh I'm seeing the vision. All right. So that's PF in PF unfiltered. Plus and then to my left we have uh Esa Griffin. This guy you know embarrass somebody. [laughter] No we have we have uh someone that is very very expressive, very passionate, you know, very um very on fire for for God. Hallelujah. on fire for for women's rights. Ah, wait. Pause. Don't let them call me a feminist. Someone that loves singing. No, Essa is not a feminist. [laughter] Esa Griffin. Okay. So, I think I've done my part. Okay. Yeah, you have. I appreciate it. You're welcome. So, um, why are we here today? And it's interesting because it there are very small moments in our lives where we get to either make changes or go in the direction that we're going into and cause the whole thing to collapse. So what are we talking about today? We're
(2:35)The 'Whatever' trigger
talking about marriages in a sense, right? And here's the point that I want to make. Okay. Early on in my marriage, my husband used to Sorry, how long have you been married? Just so they like so we can celebrate that as well. Oh, it's a it's a year of celebration. 10 years. 10 years. That's assa. Wow. That's a long time. That's a long time. I've been managing him for 10 years. Ah, [clears throat] to God be the glory. To God be the glory. Or just an alternative opinion. Yeah. Just sorry. I mean, just just another thought. Nothing. I don't put this on. Yeah. Nothing too serious. Nothing serious. Just, you know, maybe he has been managing. Possibly. I'm just I'm just saying. Yeah. Maybe, you know, God has been using him to sanctify me. That's what I know. That changed my heart. In short, you're the sandpaper. [laughter] So anyways, early on in our marriage, he used to tell me that the word whatever irritated him. The word whatever. Whatever. So obviously I grew up in Washington DC. I grew up in the DMV. And saying, you know, when you're having conversations, you're like whatever. You know, it doesn't matter. So it's not the word that irritates him. It's the way they said that irritates him. Either way, after 10 years, I've stopped saying it. Well, it took you 10 years to doing something that irritates you. It just took me a long time because I was like, I don't understand. Like, it doesn't mean anything. It's not that deep. And he used to say, it doesn't have to be that deep. I don't like it, so don't say it. And that should have been enough. But you see this hard head of mine. So, why wasn't it enough? Because in my justification, I'm like, it doesn't mean anything. It's just whatever. Like, that's what we say. It does it it carries no weights. It's it's sarcastic. It's cynical. and is sometimes disrespectful and dismissive, right? So I s just say whatever like like whatever you're saying that thing you're saying is so irrelevant that it doesn't even need to be qualified. So it's a whatever [laughter] like that would that that it kind of interpretation. It definitely didn't give that. However, you know, it took me a while to like stop saying it and that was one of the things that would poke at him and poke at him and if I wasn't careful, it would have broken our
(4:45)Why we are stubborn in marriage
marriage. So, okay, I have a question first. You know, what moment did it like what moment in your 10 year 10 year of marriage? 10 year 10 year. Mhm. You got it right. English would it um uh did it did it did it hit that like okay like I need to stop doing it like cuz you said you were stubborn at first. Why were you stubborn first and foremost? Cuz you didn't think it was a big deal. Yeah, I didn't think it was a big deal. Even though he was telling you that like you didn't want Yeah, I didn't think it was a big deal. And here's the thing is when somebody points it back at you and so when they're pointing when you are pointing at something that you don't like and they say, "Oh, it's not a big deal." and you were like and you want to defend what you believe is a big deal, then you start to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Am I going to be a hypocrite or am I going to align?" And so, it gives you the opportunity to be self-reflective and to humble yourself to change. And I think when he was able to point the mirror back at me, I was like, "Oh, I actually have a lot of growing to do." And you know, you're fortunate that that happened cuz a lot of people just check out and just disengage, right? the kind of person that I am, if I I if I tell you that something bothers me, right, and you dismiss it, which is what's saying it's not that big of a deal, it's not a big deal is what we say. That's very dismissive, right? I will just stop talking about it, right? And and when I stop talking about something, it's hard to talk about anything else, you know what I'm saying? It's hard to talk it's hard to we say well I can talk about everything except this topic right for me if I can't talk about one thing it's hard to talk about anything right so if I've got a problem with you and I can't engage with you on the
(6:30)The danger of being dismissive
problem it's hard to engage with you at all right and that's what happens with lot of marriages right we we we don't take what the person is talking about complaining about feeling some type of way about seriously we dismiss it using our own metric of what is important and what is not important and in dismissing it we actually are saying to that person your feelings don't matter right your concerns don't matter right if I think it's not a big deal then what you think or what you feel does not matter and a lot of marriages are that's what kills it
(7:08)Biblical submission redefined
right you know the Bible talks about submitting one to another right in Ephesians it says um submit you one to another And he goes on to talk about men should um love their wives as Christ loved the church and laid down his life for the church and women should submit unto their husbands even as um as unto the Lord. And there's a lot of emphasis interestingly on that segment of Ephesians 5, not the first verse that says submit you one to another. But what Ephesians chapter 5 did is the two men love your wives and husband um sorry men love your wives and wives submit are just the how do I put it breaking down verse one even more and that word submit one to another is simply prefer that's what it means to submit it's to prefer the other person it is to um um esteem the other person is to elevate the other person over yourself right we think of submission as you know the way that you know two people are fighting and one person says I submit I submit I submit it is that you esteem the other person you you value the other person right so if your spouse is saying saying whatever right irks me and you're like it's not a big deal I'm everybody says whatever you're doing too much you know you're doing too much right what you have done is basically esteemed yourself over that person And the irony of it is when they do it back, right? What are you going to say? Right? Then you're going to say, "No, no, no, no. It's not the same thing." It is the same thing. It always is the same thing. It's just that people don't realize that when I'm going to respond or react, it's not going to be where you expect me to respond or react. So when you say whatever, you think, "Okay, it's just words. What what's the worst he can do?" He will come up with some word, right, that hurts my feelings. and and
(9:05)It's about precedent, not just words
it's just words. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, that would be easy. He will spend money that you don't think you should spend. And then he'll be like, "Money and whatever. Are they the same?" They're exactly the same. It's precedent, right? You set a precedent that your feelings don't matter. Yeah. Where is it that your feelings won't matter to me? Do you get my point? That is a problem. That is it kills a lot of marriages and we use standards to decide what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. But the standard that should matter is this person that you have chosen to spend your life rest of your life with. Right? How they feel matters. What they think matters. Right? And if if if that does not affect the choices you make then we've got a problem. So I have a question like if you let's say PF how like my wife my spouse feels and I I mean I should know that how how she feels matters. Is it a case of where every time in every action I need to be conscious of aware that okay like I need to sub put her desires and not take into account but take put it prioritize it. Yes. And she needs to do that for me. Exactly. But the issue I'm seeing here is like if it's not equal. Yeah. Does that make sense? There could be a
(10:30)The problem with misusing Ephesians 5
why why would Okay, let me tell you why it would not be equal. Right. One area where it's often not equal is in the misinterpretation of scripture. Okay. Right. Where we put such an emphasis on women submitting to men, right? So wife submits to your husbands. Right? which means whatever your husband wants or says or does, you come second. Right? So that one you've already got a problem. So already there's a lot of resentment under the surface that is not expressed that is not discussed that a lot of wives have towards their spouses and it's a natural resentment. If I don't get my way, you get your way all the time and scripture is the basis for it. It will start to burn me so [clears throat] right. So that's number one. Number two, we don't fully appreciate right the power of Ephesians chapter 5 verse one submit ye one to another right in marriage I think it is the most powerful scripture right but the emphasis is on wives submit and when it gets really you know intense okay husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church right If you know what your wife is going to feel about something, it should affect the choices you make. If you know what your husband is going to feel about something, should affect the choices you make. If it is not equal, it's a problem, right? It's a problem. So why would you marry somebody who does not esteem your feelings over and above or somebody you cannot? I have another question. Sorry, real quick. Like if I'm trying to use your context, if let's assume I'm your husband. I'm telling Esta when you say whatever it it its and it takes her a long time for whatever reason to address that. Mhm. It's going to be very difficult for me Yeah. to submit. Yeah. Mhm. But I should submit regardless of her, right? in in in principle you should
(12:35)Why 'Equal' matters
regardless of us because the Bible also says that for example if you married an unbeliever your conduct can convert that person right so in principle right you should but the reality is that it is difficult you get it is difficult so as a pastor I'll tell you what you do is independent of what the other person does is not quit proquo it's not if you scratch my back I scratch your back if you submit I submit but it is hard and that is one of the reason why The Bible says, "Do not be unequally yolked." Right? We always think of unequal yolks as um marrying people of different religion. It is an unequal yoke because the values are different to some degree, right? Right. The the the um the rules are different. Right. But an unequal yoke is marry somebody who does not believe what you believe.
(13:25)Are you actually unequally yoked?
So you marry a Christian man who does not believe that we submit one to another. That's an unequal yoke. That's interesting. I never heard it like that. That's a good point. Because people think that as long as you marry a Christian that you're equally yolked. People understand the Bible differently, right? Marry somebody who understands the Bible the way you understand the Bible. Marry somebody who shares your interpretation of certain verses, right? Because if you don't, you've got a problem. So the verse in scripture says, "Do not be unequally yolked with an unbeliever." Right? But let's even extrapolate. Let's let's let's mess around a little bit real quick. Yeah, an unbeliever is somebody in that context who does not believe in Christ. Mhm. But I can say an unbeliever is somebody who does not share what you believe about a scripture. Right? Someone who does not share your values, who does not share your interpretation of who does not share your revelation of scripture and are not willing to budge. Right? So a lot of people believe that Ephesians uh five submit you one to another is just a superfluous line in scripture. Right? But my wife and I actually believe that the submit to your husband and the love your wife are just the male and female version of the same thing.
(14:40)The ultimate guiding principle
Yeah. Right. So we submit one to another. I can't remember a situation in my house where we moved forward on a matter simply because I thought it was the right way or she thought it was the right way or [clears throat] in spite of the other person's upset in spite of the other person's pain. I'm not perfect. I say that all the time. Which means that I do stupidish sometimes, right? And she does rarely stuff as well. But fundamentally the guiding principle, we stray from it, right? But that is the guiding principle, right? That I am thinking about your happiness. It is my priority. My happiness should be your priority. If if you don't prioritize my happiness, guess who's going to prioritize it? me. Mhm. If I prioritize my happiness, you prioritize your happiness, you know what's going to happen? There's going to be a diversion. [laughter] It's a direct that's the very definition of division, die vision, double vision. Right? If my vision is my happiness, your vision is your happiness. I'm telling you, eventually the line will take us in different directions. It's only a matter of time. You know how people say, "Oh, I didn't marry so that someone can make me happy." M and yes you don't marry for someone to make you happy but in this context a bit well so that thing is b why do you marry why do you marry I I I think I I kind of understand if if the person means like I'm not placing my psych like psychological and emotional dependency on someone to where if they don't act right I now choose not to act right if that's what they mean I get where like you're not giving yourself an excuse to not be Christlike because someone else is a human being. Yeah. I you have a responsibility when you sign the dotted lines. You are taking responsibility for this person's happiness as it is as much as is possible for another human being. Right? Right. So you sign I'm going to marry this woman. Right? You're taking responsibility for her emotional security. Mhm. Right. And sometimes when I say taking responsibility, it is not that you're going to be the provider of it cuz only God can make us feel strong, but you try to your best to facilitate that relationship with God in a positive way. Yeah. Right. So you encourage her to go to church. You encourage her to pray. You encourage her to study the word. Yeah. Right. That is what you're taking responsibility for. Right. Um you're taking responsibility for financial security. Right. You are. You actually are. But God is the provider. Mhm. So you are doing everything you can to ensure that you are in the right position for God to provide for you and your family. Yeah. Right. And if you are unable to provide then it is clear to everybody it is not from a lack of trying. Mhm. And when I say lack of trying it is not that you are you have a job but okay you don't have a job. Are you praying? Right. Right. Are you praying? Are you supportive? You know what I'm saying? There are so but when you say man I didn't take responsibility for I didn't sign up for that. I didn't sign up for this. What exactly do you sign up for? Same thing with sex, right? When you agree to marry a man, you are taking responsibility for sexual for his sexual satisfaction. So what what should he do? Seriously, what should he do? So what should she do? So but what do you say to the the people that say okay like man this sexual satisfaction this guy or this girl has is just it's too much. It's too much. Well, you should have you should have had that conversation before. But what if they just I mean they tell you I feel like most people tell you whether it's intentional or intentionally what they they want you to hear prior when you get married the prayer is you can do all things through Christ to strengthen. I agree. So if if [laughter] no I I I have to have this conversation with people. Yeah for sure. Oh, his his libido is too high, right? Or her li is too high, bro. It's either you are meeting that need, [laughter] it's either you are meeting that need, right? Or you're saying to that person, I'm outsourcing it. Mhm. Right. I'm outsourcing that need. Yeah. To someone else. Right. Or to something else. Right. But understand what you are doing and in the eyes of God. Right. Don't say ah what's wrong with you? Are you Is it food? It is food. No, I mean honestly realistically speaking I think like um I have there what if what if there's a situation where somebody is like okay someone's sexual libido is whether it's male or female. Mhm. And the person is just either tired, exhausted, whatever. And in those moments of exhaustion they don't you know they're not necessarily in the mood. And then now I'm not I'm not condoning like point someone now start like let's say watch pornography or whatever just to satisfy their own needs but what would you say to the situation in which the person now because the wife or the husband is saying look is it food and they start to get that food. So so so so if and this is the problem right? If you right who assigned to provide sexual fulfillment to this person find yourself unable to right there are two questions I ask what are you doing to help yourself be able to h right when it comes to finances and a man is not able to provide financially for his family the expectation is that he will take a class Mhm. Mhm. Get a certification. Mhm. Equip himself so that he can provide. If you are unable to meet your spouse's and this is male and female, right? Right. Sexual needs. Y is not to tell the person, oh, you're on your own or I'm sorry, what's wrong with you? Why are you so randy? Whatever. It is that you do what you need to do. If you're too tired, rearrange your schedule. Right? Don't and me that I'm telling you I need more of you. I also need to help you. Yeah, but it's not a it is what it is, right? It's a we're both making an effort to get us to where both of us are happy. Yeah. Right. You don't dismiss the other person's needs, whatever they are. We both come together, right? It's our responsibility. If I can't sleep with you as much as you need me to sleep with you, it is our responsibility to find a solution. Right. Both of us, not just the person who is giving it and the person who's receiving it, it's both of us. So we work as a team. Yeah. If there's any deficiency in any area, financial, sexual, food, right? Right. We work as a team to find a solution to it. I I get frustrated when you say no, it's not a man's responsibility to cook. Guy, your wife has been working 9 to 8. Mhm. Let's find let's come together and find a solution to the problem. It's our problem. Anything that is going to affect our marriage is our problem, right? It's not my wife's problem or my it's our problem and we work together to find a solution. Okay. PF. Now, you said that something something came to my head, right? So, in this particular context where you just said it's our problem, financial, food, intercourse is our problem. What happens whenever you have a either the male or the female in the relationship now goes to a family member or maybe again they tried to work it out maybe they gave up too soon maybe obviously there was a little bit of a friction in that process of working it out someone wasn't ready or someone was like whatever they now go to a friend or family member to I say complain but to discuss vents right or vents is that something that could be destructive to it depends on who you want vent into right I would expect that a so this is the thing some I I heard people say you know in this marriage we don't take our business outside you die inside together the Bible says there's safety in the multitude of counsel right wise people seek other people's counsel because you know that there are so many things you didn't know you don't know most of us I want to call something out right most of us most of us Right? We're not born intuitively knowing how to be married. Right? Say it again. Sorry. We weren't born knowing how to be married. Most of us, there are some people that know how to They claim they are not [laughter] agree with them. I'm not here to sorry, just making sure. So, I will expect that you know that there are some things you don't know, right? So, you talk to people who can give you wise counsel. Yeah. Don't talk to idiots. And some of the people around us are idiots. It's true. How do you distinguish between an idiot? [laughter] No. Now we all have idiots around us. I just want to to help anybody that is. So I have I have people in my life who are great with money but they suck at relationships. Okay. And I have people in my life who are master relationship but if you talk to them about money you'll be bankrupt in 5 minutes. Right. I have people in my life who men if they take you to the gym in 6 weeks you'll have muscles you have six but men they don't know jack about anything else you have to have the sense to know the people that you talk to and there's some people that you talk to your your stories on social media with your name with your name and qualifying uh and identifying information they will say your they will put [laughter] so So, so we we can't say don't talk to people, right? That's a general idea. Be careful who you talk to. So, that's the point I wanted to make, especially in the black American context. That's a thing. Don't tell your business outside or don't tell him this one that one. And it's very, very, very detrimental. And it's such a contradiction because in the same culture, we say a closed mouth does not get fed, right? So if you don't talk about your problems with people who can help you, your problems will kill you. It it happens all the time. Do you think it's a fundamental trust like a trust issue? Like if I go outside, let me suffer inside. Outside is scary. Why would I be afraid for you to go outside and tell about me? What am I doing that I don't want anybody to hear about? A lot of people who say that they know that their behavior cannot stand the scrutiny of external examination. So let me continue to oppress you in private because Yeah, somebody should hear what I did. Did Oh my god. So they don't want you telling people what they did. So they say, "Let's just keep it to oursel." People have been set free. Mhm. I hope so. No, they've been suffering. I want to know though, you know, sometimes it's not common for us to know what are the things that are detrimental. Like obviously we meet with you, right? And we've met with you for years. So that's why I have enough brain because I don't 10 years. Uh be calming down. It took you 10 years. I'm sorry. She go there. Wendy, she called. If I call Wendy, she call her now. Let's call Wendy. It took you 10 years to realize that whatever. I didn't say take it just [laughter] so cute. This is the product of love. Kids come out of it, guys. [laughter] Um, sorry. Go on. It didn't take 10 years. It took a long time, but not I was slightly joking. Sorry. You know, I like slightly. But I say all this to say sometimes we don't know what is what are these small things that's causing these issues. So based on your years of experience I don't have you know how can't you know I don't understand because social media no you know thing is upsetting somebody in your home but it's [clears throat] not it's not landing the way it's not inside it's not landing the way that it needs to land. So it's like what are the clues that can help an individual know in a marriage what may be causing the marriage to kind of fall apart. So if your spouse is unhappy, that is a great indicator that there's a problem. If they're unhappy, if they're unhappy about something, I feel like if your spouse is unhappy about something, it should be unpacked, right? Why are they unhappy, right? For example, whatever, right? It it it takes it takes takes him off. We should have that conversation. And I would say to uh uh to Esther, for example, Esther, you know, you've been saying this thing all your life, you're not going to suddenly change because you just got married. But your spouse needs to know that you're committed to it even when you slip up. Mhm. Right. It's easier to accept than saying, me, it's not a big deal, Jo. And you continue. If you say, you know what, I hear you. I know it hurts you. I it doesn't mean anything to me. Right. Right. I've been saying this forever. It's going to take me a minute. Right. but I'm going to make an effort. That's acceptable, right? And if he demands overnight change and someone like me says to him, "What's wrong with you?" It doesn't work like that. Right. But then if it is something like your spouse does not want you to tell anybody outside that they are physically abusing you. Mhm. Right. Then that's a problem. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And that is why I had a converion with somebody today about having mentors, having people who are who've been married longer than you have. They might actually not be that much older than you, but they've been married longer than you have, right? Talk to them. Mhm. A lot of the time, even if they are struggling on the inside, they know the right thing. They will tell you the right thing, right? So even if that's the interesting thing. Ooh, wait. That's so good. Yeah. Even if they're not doing the right thing, they will tell you the right thing. They will tell you the right thing because they don't want to be responsible for ending your marriage, right? Unless they're evil. I'm about to say, unless Unless they like your spouse. Wow. Wow. I'm just I'm going keep it real. That's another level. I'm going keep it real with y'all. But you guys also I I think that I think that marriage is marriage is a complex is an emotionally complex relationship, right? And a lot of the choices we make are complex choices, right? They're not as simple as we might be making it seem in on a on a podcast, right? But fundamentally, the idea of this person's happiness is a priority to me, right? I won't always succeed, right? My health is a priority, but I just scoffed a whole box of chicken wings. It was good though. It [clears throat] was great. But I shouldn't have. Mhm. So there are things that I shouldn't do that I sometimes do, but I'm not doing it on the premise that it's okay, you know, and I do it every day, you get. And if I do it, then I'm like, okay, you better just drink water. That's gallon of coke you're planning to drink with it. You can't, you know what I'm saying? There's an awareness, right? Right. That's good. What about um social media? Social media is is social media has relates to marriages because a lot of people social media is social media. Honestly, that I think people are I I think if you are if you are are social media has the ability to influence the way that we think, right? But I think that that influence is a little bit more limited than people realize. Yeah. Social media, people act a certain way for social media. And many times what they do is they make their marriages look great, right? What's wrong with wanting your marriage to to be great? Right? The other the bad side of social media is that it creates the sense that everybody has money, right? That's that's that's the problem. If all the couples you see on social media, right, look like they are happy and they are smiling and life is good. I have no problems with that. It should it will motivate me. Yeah. Right. Why is my wife crying every day? when all the women on social media are smiling why that will motivate me whether they're beating each other on the back end you don't see that it doesn't matter why should I why do I need to see that if I see that then if I see that then I'm like oh okay so it's okay to be my wife I think I get it so it's a good motivator in some ways right right in some ways in other ways it is bad right where it creates this sense that everybody's a millionaire and if you start a business right in two weeks you'll be counting millions, right? It's a lie. So, so, so that that that's a problem. That's a problem there, right? When people say, "Oh, all the marriages social media are fake." We need we need to have a sense. We need to have something beautiful to look forward to. We don't want all the marriages on social media to just be every day they fighting, right? Then that just says, "Oh, okay. Everybody's fighting, so let's be fighting." Right? It then it excuses our own problems. I'm I'm laughing. [laughter] I'm laughing because you and you and pastor AK just recently posted y'all singing on the internet and it was so sweet and I was like pastor really try like he doesn't really do these sort of things but I was like this is so sweet. Okay, can I give you I saw it too. [laughter] I need to hear I need to hear your and it looked like one person was enjoying it. [laughter] That's all I'm That's all I'm That's all I'm going to say. That's all I'm going to say. And you know the irony of it is this. Okay. So So So I know cuz someone else told me [laughter] told me that I look like somebody was [laughter] But but but that's actually not true. Okay. So what happened that evening that that thing was recorded in August last year. Last year. Yeah. Yeah. something like that. Yeah. So, what happened was I I heard that song. I heard the song and I didn't know what the words meant, but I like the song. So, I went to her and said, "Hey, teach me this song." Right? So, she was actually teaching me the song. Oh, that's cool. Right. And it was my idea to learn the song, right? Somewhere along the line, it wasn't as much fun. [laughter] And you may have been able to see that on my face. I could see it really, but but it wasn't as And it was late. It must have been around 11 12 midnight or something. It was It was a late event. So maybe that's what you saw my face or I don't know. Yeah, but it wasn't as bad as Yeah. Link so we can watch. I don't know what your handle is. I apologize. Tell me. I promise you if you've not watched any just watch that one at least you will laugh. No, it was it was it was it was it was it was [laughter] it wasn't I wasn't suffering. I wasn't you guys posted on Valentine's Day. But the caption but the caption said sometimes love is sometimes you learn from you learn from each other. Have you heard that thing where people don't remember what what you say how you what you do and how you make them feel? What I felt was not the capture. Are you serious? Yeah. I was like this man is struggling. No no no. To this point, [laughter] right? What habits actually save marriages? Right. So something like that is important because you you got to partner with her on something that she already pastor um pastor AK already likes seeing it anyway. So for us to see and know the dynamic between two of you guys some of us like this is a really this is a really nice thing you know. So I guess I would ask what habits help to kind of save. That's right. Before you answer that question let's let's do something real quick. M so you said we talked about the habits that small habits that can destroy marriage not being intentional not being equally or misconstrin what equally yolked may mean right and then not prioritizing each other I I think honestly I think you can you can wrap a lot of it under not prioritizing the other person's happiness because it manifests in different ways in different marriages right um it is the way you speak right not prioritizing how the other person feels about the way you speak, right? Um the the personal habits, right? So you can wrap everything under that umbrella, okay? That you do not prioritize the other person's happiness, okay? Over over your over your own sometimes, right? Um so that's that's the negative things. Yeah. And before to answer to for you to answer Esta's question before we go to the positive things, we want to say a quick thank you to everyone watching and listening. I think it's been 8 to 12 months now that we've gone from 69 subscribers to 15 17 something thousand. So, round of applause to everyone. If if you are if you are enjoying this, if there is something that is staring inside of you, if you enjoy the way PF breaks down the truth in a practical way but centers us back to Christ. Yeah. Right now, we're asking if you enjoy this to please subscribe. Yeah. Subscribe. Save. Like, share. Save is a new one. Save is a new one. I've not yet. So, subscribe. Save. Yeah. Like, share. Right. Save it so you can hear it again. I like that. So, you can use it to point back to your spouse. This Jesus. I mean, but you know, you said that there are some examples that can be motivators. Let this video be a motivator to change. Do the right thing. Jesus is Lord. Don't use the video and beat somebody. Please. Yeah. Don't. They're talking to you. so easy to be. In fact, my interest is somebody somebody sent me to me today one of the episodes he was driving and he was listening to it right and next to his wife his wife sends it to him and says listen to that and he's like I'm listening to [laughter] it. I laughed and then he crashed my car. Okay. So small habits actually helped a man for for us checking in with each other. Are you are you okay? Right. is are you good? Are we good? Yeah. Right. I think that is one of those things that if you prioritize the other person's happiness, checking regularly to see how they are feeling will help you stay on track, right? Um it's hard to constantly know what the other person is doing, right? We live very busy lives. We get distracted. Some of us hyperfocus. Right. Right. If you have regular check-in times, you know, every Monday morning, every Sunday evening, hey, are you okay? Is everything good? What's going on with you? How how are you feeling? Is there anything I need to do differently? Yeah, those conversations might be awkward initially, but they actually can be very helpful. Right? So that you can calibrate, recalibrate before you go too far, right? That's one of the things that helps for us. Number two is doing things together, right? And when I say things, you know, people think, "Oh, let's go on vacation together, right? Or let's, you know, take a trip together, whatever." No, just doing basic things together, cooking together, right? Going to grocery store together, going to the mall together to pick up some one thing, right? Doing things together really helps a marriage. Yeah. We we we you know the men will go to their man cave, the women will go to boys night, girls. Yeah. All those things are great but we have to do things together and not necessarily big things but just mundane things being around each other right if my wife and I right for a long time these days we instat everything but for a long time we went to the grocery store together right you know we went to the mall together we went to the other day I I I had um I had eaten and I was feeling a funny. So, I'm like, you know, let me just take a walk. This is like maybe 11:30 at night, right? Let me go across the street to church and just walk around the church building. We were we had basically shut down for the day. I'm like, let's let's take a quick walk. She put on her shoes. We took the dogs and we walked around the church two or three times. Nothing to talk about. We just walked around the church two or three times and then we went back home. I want the same. Did the walls fall down? That's what I was thinking. Did the walls fall down? We were walking. I walk the walls fall down. [laughter] Did the walls fall down or was there was it was a prayer. Okay. Okay. It was just We're just there together. Dogs were being silly. You know, those little things, right? They they actually ease tension sometimes, right? You know, not everything has to be, you know, big. Yeah, Valentine's Day. That's when did you show love? So, I actually have a question to you. Like, would you say like for you and your wife whenever those little intentional things that you guys did, was it more did it show itself more whenever you initially got married or like was it something you guys were able to maintain consistently over the duration of your marriage? Okay. So, so for us, right, circumstances and life kept us in very close proximity to each other all the time, right? And that's one reason I'm grateful that I married somebody that I was attracted to that I was in love with, but I actually liked, right? You know, I just I liked her. I liked being around her. When I first got married, my wife didn't drive. So, I drove her everywhere. She's going to get her hair done. I'm going to drive her there. Soft life, right? I literally drove her everywhere then. Right. There was no Uber back then. Right. Um I don't know how to cook. Right. Now I do, but then I didn't. So she was she cooked and we were we didn't have money. So we lived in a small space. There was no you go off to some corner of the world and just show when it's time to eat. We're always around each other. Then we lived in Austria for a couple of years. I didn't speak enough German to have a life outside. She didn't speak any German. So it was just the two of us, right? So constantly life has thrown us in situations where we are always around each other. You know, when we were pastoring a church in St. Louis, you know, we didn't have any friends outside of church and we were young. A lot of the folks in church were older than we are. So again, we always around each other. So we became each other's best friends. We became, you know, that's just the way God did it for us, right? our ability to spend time away from each other didn't happen until maybe after the pandemic, right? So, when we're not together, it's it's odd sometimes, right? Um when we're not together, it's okay. Mhm. You know what I mean? It's okay. Um so, for us, it's it was kind of backwards. Those habits that helped us were forced on us, right? So, that I can tell people that this will help you, it will help you. you know, I share in the same um direction that you're going in terms of spending time. I think one thing that um W and I do together that's really fun is that when we both know that we're about to travel, we go shopping together for the things that the other person would need. So, we don't do a lot of vacations together just because our kids are still fairly small and that's something that we've given up. So, if one person is going, then the other person is staying. And so we tend to like do a lot of things together during those seasons. And so it's really really nice to kind of bring us together and over the years that's like our thing. Yeah. Um so that's one habit that I think we formed um in those seasons to be able to keep each other close. Yeah. Yeah. And for me and my wife too like it's we have like one of the habits that we formed is we have a really strong community around us. They're all also in the same phases of life. Little kids and married as well. They've actually been doing life together before we all even got married. So, it helps us to kind of stay grounded to a certain extent. Have good friends together. Good friends together. And that's that's really powerful because I I know your your your crew, you know? So, your friends with your your friends and their wives are friends with you and your wife, right? M it's not like you have your friends separate and your wife has half friends and and that's fine but if you don't have friends together right it it can pull you guys apart right but when you have friends yes when you have friends together I have a a few guys that I hang out with you know um my myself and them were chums but other wives get along so we end up when we are when we have the time to relax doing it together right and it's hard to then, you know, be a jackass. Oh, I'm not supposed to say that now. No, you're right. No, no. I mean, it's Oh, that word. My wife hates that word because Jack has an ass. So, like No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop. Just Just leave this matter, babe. I'm sorry. I have to make sure she doesn't watch this episode. Yeah, we'll just we'll just we'll fix it in post. Please fix it in post, please. And and to add to the And don't be worried what was fixed in post, babe. [laughter] Cuz she like what happened there? Something something happened. They cut something out. Use me. Use me. I say today something. Today. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, we Yeah, today. Oh god, I can't use the whole thing. Oh, I think to to kind of like bring home the point was like and even our kids, our little kids, they have relationship each other because we makes it easier because when you're like, "Oh, I want to see my friend." And it's Yeah. It's it's very powerful. I think that's really important because you guys are not isolated. And I think with isolation comes detriments. Yeah. And so having that fellowship, having that community, you know, the Bible talks about ironing, iron, dropping the iron. So I think that's a really really important point. It has to be iron or it can't be rubber. Sharpening rubber. Wala people. [laughter] It has to be when you're the smartest person in your friend group. Not going to work. Trouble. Very good. Okay. So, yeah. Um, that was great, PF. We appreciate you as always. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [clears throat] Thank you. Don't mention. Don't mention. Don't mention. Don't mention. Um, please [laughter] comment below. It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. A pleasure. Comment below. uh any any small habits that that you need to stop doing and any habits that you need to start doing as well. And um yeah, we will catch you guys on the next one. The next episode is actually going to be seriously interesting. And I'm just going to I'm going to I'm going to say one sentence. How much money is enough money? H not a lot. We shall see. A lot. [laughter] We shall see. All right, y'all. Later. Peace. Bye. Unfiltered. [music]